An open and honest reflection of motherhood.
Growing up, my lifelong dream was to become a stay at home mom, to live in the suburbs in a quaint house wrapped with a white picket fence, lots of kids and a handsome, hardworking husband by my side. I remember envisioning myself well kept, my kids well behaved, my home spotless, nutritious meals served, no TV, no sweets, weekly date nights and quiet play dates... what I've now come to realize as a laughable list of incredibly unrealistic expectations. Minus the handsome hubby.
I write this laying next to my overtired, squirmy five month old baby as I listen to my husband battle bedtime with my 4 year old and 2 year old, now an hour past bedtime. A pull-up laying at my feet that was gleefully yanked off by my potty-training daughter and happily left behind. A box of diapers once neatly packaged are strewn across my bedroom floor after my children reenacted throwing leaves. There are toys scattered across my bed and under my sheets...my hair sits on the top of my head in the same messy bun from yesterday. My clothes spattered with the remanence of dinner and damp from bath time. As I lay here, I’m reminded of the dishes that await me, the clothes that sit in the dryer two days damp that will have to go through the wash again... I cringe thinking of the bathroom to be cleaned that you’d think just endured a tsunami. The silence of bedtime allows my mind to wander. I analyze what I could have done better today, where I went wrong, what I need to change. I relive the moments I raised my voice, a lack of patience that resulted from a sleepless night in a bed once for two now filled with five. The idea of ruining their childhood crosses my mind... I think of the one too many episodes of "Blippi" that played which I justified to allow myself a few more moments of quiet and regain my sanity. My coffee from this morning, half full, sits on my mantle long forgotten. I think of my husband who came home from a 10 hour workday to the evening rush of dinner, bath and bed. He sat quietly in the chaos and ate undercooked spaghetti and overcooked broccoli. I watch the time pass quickly as I beat myself up over sitting here writing and overanalyzing instead of tackling the mess left from the day.
I lay here reminiscing and chuckling at my once naive expectations of motherhood. The glamour I once envisioned that was so incredibly warped by my high school obsession with "Desperate Housewives". It’s funny how after you have a baby, it’s as though you enter into this secret club of moms. A world you never knew existed. You immediately share this unspoken bond with millions of other women who have children of their own. You finally GET IT. Nothing prepares you for motherhood. As I write that, a moment of reflection reminds me of God’s word. HE prepared us for these moments, for this time in our lives. Proverbs 31:25 says “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." For we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are built to endure and overcome with grace and strength. Beyond the mess, the overwhelm, the self-doubt, is His word. Have faith in His word and have strength in His name.
These days are fleeting. You will wake up one morning, your house silent of little voices, everything will remain in its place. The overwhelm, will turn to boredom. The once coveted silence and peace will be become a desire for laughter and chaos. Enjoy these fleeting moments. Embrace the messy bun, the sleepless nights and milk stained T-shirts. Your purpose is that chubby cheeked baby in your arms or those precious feet swinging back and forth at your dining-room table. Your works will be honored and praised when done with love. Your time is now, Mama. You’ve got this!
Proverbs 31:31: "Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
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