Marriage is a commitment worthy of hard work and dedication. In this blog I share the things my husband and I put into practice to keep our marriage alive and thriving.
Photo Credit: E&H Creates
Marriage is such a sacred union between two people. It’s a commitment that takes effort, time, dedication and intentionality. Welcoming children into this union can rock even the most solid foundation. Tensions rise, stress levels keep you on edge, interrupted sleep creates a messy combination of strong emotions and irrational expressions. Overcoming these initial trials as new parents create the building blocks for a stronger bond and partnership.
Marriage after children is difficult enough. Maintaining and nurturing a strong marriage while facing the realities of childrearing is even more arduous. It’s rocky and trying. It’s beautiful and fulfilling. It’s emotional and raw. The bond you share is deeper and stronger. You’ve created these beautiful beings that you’re responsible for raising and guiding in one accord. You have to establish a goal, a mutual vision for your children, their futures and the life you’ll provide them and work side by side to achieve it. Doing so is a journey filled with lessons, experiences, beautiful moments, disappointments and rewards as you navigate this unknown territory together.
My husband and I use these practices to maintain a strong marriage and keep the zest alive while parenting five children.
Never stop showing and expressing your love to one another.
Life raising a small basketball team makes maintaining a marriage challenging. Quality moments together are far and few between, let alone sharing an uninterrupted conversation. As a result, emotions can run high, the unity that once was feels more of a co-existence and the flow of the household is interrupted. Circumstances like this are difficult to maneuver, so sometimes you have to get creative. Recently I sat my husband down with a pen and paper. I asked him to write down anything and all things he enjoys with an emphasis on ‘home life.’ He wrote simple things like, a made bed, clean floors, a clean place to eat etc. I also know he enjoys having slippers at the door to step into, a hot meal ready for him, and a greeting at the door from his family. Though little, they are intentional things I can do for him to show him I care and show him my love, when we don’t have the quality time that we so need. I’d love to think we could swing a weekly date night out or even a date night in, but in all reality, we usually have a third wheel. Whether it be our baby, a toddler that napped, a loud and rambunctious three year old that doesn’t want to miss out, our curious five year old night owl or a jealous six year old that wants to be an adult too. While “don’t stop dating your spouse” sounds great on paper, for us and I’m confident for many, it’s just not realistic. So by learning each other's love languages, you can both make a continued effort to show love and affection despite the distance and the hustle of everyday life. An example of this; I thrive on words of affirmation, my husband- acts of service. I show him love by my actions as described above. In return he vocalizes his appreciation, love and praises to me. Such a simple concept, but it’s crucial to keep the flame alive. While snagging a date night may not be possible, it’s so important to continue to seek ways to show your affection, love and commitment to one another to keep the foundation and bond strong between you.
Recommit to each other daily.
Marriage is a commitment. It’s a decision you have to make daily. I choose my husband everyday. I choose him through the good days and the bad. It’s natural to go through waves of emotions and varying seasons of love, but you have to be committed to each other while riding these waves and walking through these seasons. If you both share a mutual and solid foundation together, the growth is immeasurable. It’s like building a structure, it takes time. There are setbacks; bad weather, improper equipment, missing materials, but slowly and surely the structure is formed, strengthened and perfected as the issues are addressed. Like marriage, a foundation is formed first. There are trials and tribulations, you equip yourself with proper ways to communicate, you learn how to meet the needs of your marriage and you gradually grow and develop this unbreakable union. You have to choose each other again and again and again, day after day.
Don’t go to bed angry.
I’m a hypocrite just writing that sentence. In all honesty, all too often I roll over in bed, silent and irritated. It’s been a long day, I’m drained, I’m irritable. Whether my husband poked loving fun at the dinner I served or we butt heads over the bedtime routine… whatever the case may be - it’s life and we are human. Our marriage is far from perfect and we have our tiffs just as much as the rest. That being said however; our mutual intention is to go to bed with a calm spirit between the two of us. Imagine two people laying in bed going to sleep with an unresolved argument, emotionally, spiritually and physically divided. Now imagine the devil laying between them. Leaving arguments unresolved and going to bed divided, you’re opening the doors to the devil, allowing him to weasel his way in and begin to stir up your bond and crack your foundation. If the foundation is already weak- imagine what many little moments like this can do. Each moment slowly chipping away at the cracked foundation until it eventually crumbles and breaks. When a foundation is crumbling, how can you expect to build a solid structure on top of it?
Honor a headship in the household.
I believe a headship within a household is so important. God, Christ, husband, wife then children. My husband and I share a very traditional marriage. My husband, I recognize and respect as the head of the household. His decision for our family is final. He respects my voice, my opinions and takes my and our children’s well-being into consideration, always. When he speaks no matter how small, his word is respected and we as a family, listen. If you have two adults fighting for headship there is guaranteed to be clashing. You can’t have two roosters running the roost, instead of thriving, the roosters will often fight to the death for authority. To sustain an atmosphere that the roosters and flock can co-exist, a pecking order must be established. Just as within a household; place a husband and wife in a mutually authoritative position and you’re likely to face continuous battles to establish authority.
Christ is our center.
Sharing a mutual faith in Christ creates a greater faith in each other. If you have faith in your husband, you are in turn showing your faith in God. I used to battle a jealous spirit in the beginning of our marriage, ten years ago, until I had a revelation. Do I not serve a great God? Along with me, my husband loves and serves the same God. I have confidence that the same God I serve is working in my husband, giving him the strength and tools he needs to avoid temptation, to remain faithful. Yes, we are human and we all face trials and internal battles. That said, trusting in a greater power over my husband’s own will, gives me far more peace than putting my faith in the flesh. Building a marriage with God as the center provides a foundation of love, forgiveness and selflessness. By modeling a relationship after the love and sacrifice of Christ, a marriage can be based on meeting the needs of each other before meeting their own needs. When your foundation is humbly at your knees, your guidance and strength as you both navigate trials, tribulations and seasons of life are jointly from the Lord. This creates a sense of stability, understanding, security and peace within a marriage.
I write to you passionately about this and to share our personal walk in marriage and what has worked for our relationship. Our marriage has struggled. We've experienced difficult seasons and raw, challenging emotions. Jealousy, resentment, anger, frustration, hardships - they all arise, they all test a marriage. Introducing children into your marriage welcomes an entirely new realm of emotions and experiences both beautiful and ugly. Your commitment to one another will be challenged, it is how you manage the trying seasons together that will determine the course of your union. Along with anything, marriage takes work, time, effort and dedication. If you're struggling, if you're losing hope in a marriage, if you're in the newness of parenthood or in a blessed season of bliss, keep moving forward. Seek God, seek love and recommit to each other over and over again. Stay strong, stay committed, stay true to yourselves and do your best as ONE. Together your marriage can be your trial or it can be your testimony.
“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:2-7
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